Revisiting

Written originally on 04.11.2013:
===================================================
I'm getting used to missing you constantly.

On average, we text around 20 times a day.  This is how our relationship is sustained.  I don't ask details about what you're telling me, because I know you don't have time to give them.  I don't waste my words, and I think carefully about what's important to tell you.  Around half of those texts back and forth are sweet, sentimental things, like, "I love you" or "hope your day is going great, baby! Thinking of you!"

I know we can survive off this sporadic, unpredictable and superficially shallow communication.  You and I both know that it's not intentional, preferred, or ideal.  I understand how busy you are, and I spend a good deal of time considering how I can make your life and my role in it less stressful (a mindset that my friends tell me isn't healthy).  My sympathy towards your busy, tiring schedule is such a novelty to you that you don't really understand it.  You keep waiting for me to behave as your ex did.  I can feel your expectation of my anger in the way your phrase certain things: "If you don't hear from me, just know your man is busy, ok?" Or, "I'm so tired, I'm gonna go to bed. I'll talk to you in the morning?"  Baby, you don't have to explain or qualify.  I've told you this a million times, and I appreciate that you continue to make an effort to explain to me your circumstances, but...that's one of those stresses that you just don't need.

The other night (Thursday, 04.11.13), we FaceTimed for 1.5 hours.  This time with you is what makes the days on end of loaded texting worth it. I'll be a loyal Mac customer for the rest of my life out of gratitude. I sit here contemplating how to put in words the way I feel post-FaceTime, and I just can't.  I'm in love with you for all the reasons that text messages fail to capture - for all the reasons that WORDS fail to capture.   If only the wives and girlfriends of military personnel of times past had FaceTime...they must have been some of the strongest women, unspoken pillars of resolve and loyalty.  I can't imagine going for years without hearing your voice or seeing your handsome smile.  What did they cling to in times of doubt and fear? Letters (the romantic, nostalgic version of text messages)?

We started off FaceTime horribly awkward.  Your Uncle Ron had passed away the night before, and you were hurting. I still don't understand how you work (such a mystery!), so I won't attempt to psychoanalyze.  However, I will say that I understood that your distance from me was not personal. I finally said, very firmly, "Babe."  "Hmm," was all you said, your face still stony and uninterested.  I had no idea what to say to politely bring you out of your internalization, so I just said, "I love you."  Instantly, your hardened face was broken with the teensiest of smiles. The muscles around your eyes relaxed, and your clenched jaw released its tension.

We discussed your stress, and I took a chance on telling you that I was worried that your commitment to me was too much.  Lately, I'd been succumbing to my self-doubts, and I'd been fearing that you'd leave me.  You have so much going on, and snapping out of your Marine mindset in order to talk to your sappy, peppy far-away girlfriend seemed to me like a hassle.  You told me I was being silly.

Even as I'm writing this, I see the ridiculousness of what I'm saying.  All military personnel, regardless of where they are in their career or the world, need a strong, unwavering tie to civilian life.  I'm beginning to learn that without this, they lose themselves to the unflinchingly masculine and harsh world of military paradigm.
===================================================

I didn't finish this post because it hurt too much.  I have a hard time dealing with these things, and I just never revisited this one.  Publishing it anyway.