I'm at Holi Festival of Colors, where the scent of jasmine weaves through a fine cloud of suspended colors - hot pink, deep purple, saffron yellow and aqua blue. Anonymous people see one another as canvases ready to beautify with a splatter of color, and there's a strong current of love and happiness surfing through the crowd. Hari Krishna themed music dances above the sounds of laughter and conversation, and a regal white temple set in front of Rocky Mountains adorns our backdrop. My best friend, lovely and shining with goodness, sends the boy who drove us here furtitive glances with flirty eyes and a feminine laugh. She's high on the rush of being so close to love, and her happiness pours out of her.
But we're in Spanish Fork. You grew up less than 2 miles from where I am, and though I've only been to your house once, I was fortunate enough to meet your parents and catch a glimpse of what your home life is when you're a civilian. I look at these colorful, beautiful people and I wonder how many Holi Festivals you've been to. I take in the mountains and the streets of Spanish Fork and daydream about you living in their presence. How can I immerse myself in the present when you exist so strongly in the past?
I know I'm being weak. I ask myself (again) if I'm strong enough to do this, to endure through years of missing you and never feeling like I'm present enough to be part of the crowd. I have a moment where I am so overwhelmed with grief that I almost fall apart. How can I fix this? Is there really nothing I can do to be by your side? Maybe it's easier to let you go.
I instantly remember that I promised you that I'd be strong. Specifically, that "you underestimate how strong I am, and that if anyone can do this, I can." I don't feel strong - I feel scared and lonely. All I want is to be here with you, blissfully laughing and throwing rich jasmine-scented colors onto each others white t-shirts. I want to be here, in this pulsing group of dancing, carefree people, with you. You make everything brighter.
If I'm not strong, I'll never have that with you. It'll fade away and it'll have been like you and I never existed. What is it that your tattoo says?
Something without passion and strength can't burn. While I don't plan on you and I burning out, I'm also fiercely protective of you and I fading away. It's not gonna happen - not while I'm a part of this. I have the strength to actively choose you everyday, and I will. I have the strength to know that if I will choose you, then one day you'll be mine again. We'll have an existence so brightly colorful and rich, and Holi Festival will be a dim, dirty mess next to you and I.
Last night, I told you I was at Sue with my bestie. I always text you what I'll be doing, knowing you won't always get to answer, but hoping that you at least draw some comfort from your girlfriend's normal life and her desire to involve you in it. Around midnight (3 P.M. the following day your time), you surprise me with a text:
So I'm standing there today at the Holi Festival, surrounded by joy and color, and I remember to be strong, because I remember you love me.
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